Dear Craigslist furniture posters,

If you don’t include a photo, I’m not going to look.

If you put your whole headline in CAPS or use the same word three times, like LOOK LOOK LOOK and/or use little graphics ~~~~ I am not going to care what you are selling.

If you tell me that a patio chair will hold your 250 pound husband as a selling point, it won’t convince me to look past how ugly it is.

If you can’t spell Pier 1, I have serious concerns about your ability to give me a change on a $20 bill.

If you post a shitty look picture of something that is rusted, do not ask $399 for it.

If you post a horrible picture that looks like it was taken by a 2-year-old, you’re not doing your piece of furniture justice.

If you tell me that the pet stain/tear from the dog/other type of damage from a pet is “not that bad,” it probably is.

If you think you can resell several plastic chairs for more than you probably paid for them, you’re delusional.

If you think I care about how much you paid for an overpriced item to begin with, I don’t. An umbrella is not worth $150. Especially not on Craigslist.

You do not need to tell me the reason for selling: “I am downsizing” or “I just have too many pieces in my garage” – I do not care. Also, how come no one ever writes, “I’m looking for money,” “I just got divorced,” or “my dog died on this couch and I can’t bear to keep it anymore.”

Ok, that’s all. Love,