Dear Craigslist furniture posters, part 2

Do not tell me you have a patio set of 11 pieces and then show a picture of one chair and half the table. Where are the other 9.5 pieces? For that matter- WHAT could they even possibly be? I’m not looking for a playground set or enough to fill a large doctor’s office waiting room.

Again, learn how to spell Pier 1 as well as “dinning room table.” What the hell is a dinning room?

If you are going to take a picture of a mirror that you are selling, do yourself the favor of stepping out of the way of the photo, especially if you are wearing sweatpants and a shirt stained with what is probably cat vomit. Also, clear away the bags of Cheetos and empty pop cans strewn on your carpet. Also, why do you have Cheetos and pop in your bedroom?

If you are going to take a photo of a desk you are selling, clear off the massive amounts of shit sitting on it. This includes, but is not limited to, sticks of deodorant, old papers, empty beer cans, a bag of cat food, your cat, ashtrays and cigarette butts, and any/all signs of your lingering depression.

If you are selling a table that has been in “stoage” and you tell me it’s a “little dusty” – my next question is why the eff can’t you wipe it off? It’s called getting a paper towel, running it under the faucet, and wiping it down as lazily as you took that photo.

If you tell me that you’re selling a coffee table for $40 and you’ll throw in a sofa for free, it makes me seriously wonder what crap is on that sofa. Probably blood. Or bone marrow.

Over the toilet storage – ah yes. See, here’s the thing. It’s definitely not worth $100, especially after your fecal matter got flushed all about the bathroom and considering I’ve seen that EXACT ONE for $45 at Target.

For posters who say that the price has been reduced – well, here’s what you should know. I, and most people probably looking at Craiglist, do not have time to sift through 1,000 of these and actually keep track of price changes. Also, your chair looks like red velour that has had a can of creamed corned spilled on it. So I don’t care that you reduced the price.

OMGGGG. What the eff is this? A futon? Because from what I can tell it’s a black splotch with little holes in it. Seriously, I kill spiders bigger than this picture.

When you are explaining why you’re getting rid of an item, don’t spin it in a way that makes it sound like you treat your furniture like pets. “I don’t have the space that these pieces need.” Perhaps you are trying to sound like a loving furniture owner (??) but it sort of sounds creepy and convinces me you are probably a hoarder facing an intervention.

Furniture is not “cute.” Please find a better descriptor for a vintage storage chest (“cute”??), a TV cabinet, or a “dinning” room table.

Telling me that something “must go” and you are moving TODAY, in the next 2 hours, does not motivate me to come purchase that item. It tells me that a) you are a scammer, b) you are a very poor planner, or c) I will show up at your door and you will answer it looking like this.

Taking a picture of the box your furniture came in is about as good as you drawing me a picture in crayon. Seriously – what is that supposed to show me? Other than that you can’t take a picture of the actual furniture for some reason. And that you save boxes in the corner of your basement, and are probably a hoarder.

And last but not least – please clean your furniture before I buy it. Especially if you pick your nose and wipe the remnants of it across the bottom of your couch. You had the foresight to vacuum it. And your apartment was spotless. But seriously – what human even has enough crust in their sinuses to cover 90 inches along the bottom of the entire sofa? You must be very ill. And it must have taken you two years to accumulate that – the length of time you owned the couch, if you were being honest. If I was not a good person and a person who believes in karma I would want to return to your complex and leave something on your doorstep. A bowl full of phlegm, a paper bag of my cats’ poop, possibly a Smart Water bottle containing diarrhea. Something, just so it feels like we’re even.